ON THE ART OF DATING

THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
I must confess I didn’t understand the first time I heard it. One of my best friends had just moved to Manhattan from his native Germany. In no time he had learned his way around the city, venturing through all of the burrows, New Jersey, and on occasion up to the Hamptons. After a few months he phoned me to describe his first “American” date. I had to ask for clarity, “What do you mean American date?” He explained that Europeans don’t date like Americans when they are getting to know one another romantically. “What?” I was perplexed by this revelation.

I was no stranger to the idea of divergent practices in different cultures. My father, after all, was not born in the U.S.A. and we had lived overseas for several years. Certainly, in countries where arranged marriages are the norm, there is not the concept of dating, but everyone in western society I imagined went on dates like we do here in North America. Apparently, this was not the case, so I asked him to explain exactly what he meant. The conversation was of particular interest to me, especially since my most intimate relationships have all been with Europeans.

Here in the U.S., we learn dating etiquette that reads something like the following: A man arrives to pick up his date, walks her to the car, opens the door, pulls out her chair, pays for dinner, returns her to her domicile and if he’s lucky, he kisses her goodnight at the front door. This is, of course, on the first date. If all goes well there may be subsequent dates. With each additional one, the probability of emotional and physical intimacy rises, at least in theory.

To use the popular baseball metaphor, when a man gets lucky, he slides through the bases, which Wikipedia defines as follows:
• First base – mouth to mouth kissing, especially open mouth ("French") kissing involving the tongue.
• Second base – aggressive stimulation between the neck and waist, usually shirtless or under the shirt.
• Third base – manual or oral stimulation of the genitalia.
• Fourth base (Home run) – the act of penetrative intercourse.

GETTING TO KNOW YOU, GETTING TO KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU
So, I asked my friend to explain, “If you don’t "date" in Europe, how do you get to know one another?” In some ways, the answer was too simple for me to grasp. He said if you meet someone you’re interested in romantically, you simply invite that person out. It wouldn’t necessarily be considered a date, but more so an outing. If, by chance, you enjoyed spending time with that person, it would only stand to reason that you continue going out. There is no protocol about showing up and returning someone to their front door. There is no tally of how many outings have been made. There’s just a mutual understanding between two people who enjoy spending time together.

As I mentioned, I have always clicked better romantically with Europeans. In the beginning I didn’t know why. I suspected it might have been because I lived overseas during my adolescence. For me, the rules of “American dating” always felt rigid and constraining. I’m sure we have all discussed aspects of dating etiquette. A few popular topics typically include whether or not it’s okay to see someone every day when first beginning to date, as this could be construed as needy. Do both parties agree how to proceed with intimacy? Should second base be on the third date and sex on the tenth? The whole construct becomes a game of figuring out whether or not you and another person are on the same page.

TEARING DOWN THE WALLS
Another close friend of mine was dating long distance and considered a week long visit to be one date. I still remember debating this with him. If dinner and a movie are regarded as a single date, certainly a 7-day visit counts as more than one. The conversation made me realize something I had never paid that much attention to. Many of us use the concept of dating as a barrier rather than a bridge for getting to know one another. “I don’t need to tell him (or her) that I’ll be out of town that week, we’ve only been on a few dates.” “No, I didn’t invite her (or him) to the party, we haven’t gotten to that point yet.” When “dating” is used to hold people at bay, how can you ever get closer to one another?

I suspect this is the reason my friend wanted to declare a week long stay as one date. If the visit counted as seven, there would be a higher expectation of shared intimacy in his mind, something he likely wasn’t ready for. But this is the thing, at the end of the day, isn’t dating a simple construct of our minds? If there is a true dating protocol, it only exists between you and the person you are dating. In a different relationship, the protocol would likely have to change, as a new person would require a new and separate agreement about how things work. When we are truly ready to make ourselves emotionally available, only then will we begin to repeal the rules (and walls) we’ve constructed to keep ourselves safe.

ABOUT K. L. COLLINS
I am an author and a college professor of screenwriting for both television and film. To learn more about my newest sci-fi, fantasy, adventure novel, "The Unveiling: 1.0," please visit: TheUnveilingSeries.com.