Most of us think of a contract as a piece of paper such as a lease, an automotive loan or a mortgage. Typically, these are all written agreements and when signed by all parties, they are legally binding. And not to forget the verbal agreement, which is also enforceable by law but can’t be used to amend anything in writing.
But there is a third agreement that most of us never consider. The tacit agreement. Webster defines “tacit” as follows:
1 : expressed or carried on without words or speech.
2 : implied or indicated (as by an act or by silence) but not actually expressed
While we may not be aware of it, each of us has repeatedly entered into and broken tacit agreements. The behavior is a source of arguments and discontent everywhere. Just because we didn’t write it or speak it aloud doesn’t mean we didn’t agree to it. I liken it to co-signing. Most co-signers don’t expect to honor the agreement. They’re just co-signing to provide an opportunity for someone otherwise unable to enter an agreement. In reality, a co-signer, when he or she signs on the dotted line, is also in agreement that they will abide by the terms.
A common tacit agreement, which is frequently breached of course involves exclusivity in dating. Oftentimes in the early stages of a relationship, there is an unspoken agreement of monogamy. But an opportunist, if he or she chooses, will use the fact of it being unspoken to breach the agreement and see other people. Yes, both parties assume monogamy but because it is tacit, a get out of jail free card isn’t hard to come by. Many times people like to hold off on the “exclusivity talk” because it offers a loophole to the tacit agreement.
Several years ago, I remember feeling annoyed with one of my best friends because we only spoke if I called. But the truth is this dynamic had existed for years. Looking back, I now realize I had entered a tacit agreement that I would be the one calling. I had co-signed on the unspoken dotted line and it wasn’t fair of me to be upset about something to which we had both agreed. Ironically, I tacitly changed the agreement by curtailing my calls and transforming the relationship into one that didn’t seem so one-sided.
Each of us should endeavor to look at distasteful relationship dynamics and recognize whether or not we co-signed for undesired behavior. In many circumstances we will find we have, in which case we will need to renegotiate the deal. This can be done tacitly, but is probably better when spoken. And for the real sticklers, the written agreement is always an option.
