Check Baby, Check Baby, 1, 2, 3, 4...

Back when I worked on a television show, we developed a storyline about a character who had trouble finding a man. For hours, the writers sat at the writers’ table discussing the reality of finding true love. We discussed many of the things an average person looks for when trying to find a significant other. We even had an element on the show in which the character composed a list of what she would look for in her ideal man.

So, today my blog comes with an exercise. Before you continue, think of your own list. If in the past you have written one, what were the things you put on it? If you’ve never done this exercise, it’s worth considering. Take a moment to ponder what is most important to you. Perhaps your list might start out something like:

1. Attractive
2. Employed (makes lots of money)
3. Drives nice car
4. Owns home
5. Independent
6. No baggage
7. Smart (Good education)
8.

How would your list continue? If you had to list thirty or fifty things, what would the remaining points be? The interesting thing about executing such a list is that it will give you as much information (if not more) about yourself as it could possibly give you about a significant other. Whenever I have had discussions of this type with friends, it is interesting to hear what things people find important. More often than not, we tend to look for the things that society tells us are positive. Points #1 through #4 on the above list are all things that society says are positive. When those points are added together, they equal #5, “independence.”

But I ask you, do any of the above factors add up to positive character? If you can check off each of the points above, does that mean you have a good man or woman standing before you? Think about this. It’s taken me years to realize that society’s checklist is one of little substance. For several years, I worked with people who had checks by all of the things that society says are important. They had corner offices with degrees from some of the best schools. They drove high-end luxury cars and had addresses in the ritziest of zip codes, but at the end of the day, most of them were not nice people. They were self centered with incredibly strong senses of entitlement and behaved as if their subordinates were lucky to be able to “serve them.” It didn’t take me long to realize that I couldn’t find any reasons to associate with these people besides the fact that we worked together. Still, I realized that on paper, these people looked like true winners. Or at least that’s what society tells us. These are concrete factors to consider when it comes to adding people to our lives.

Years ago, when I was still in high school, I was dropping a friend off and took a few minutes to walk her inside. When we entered, her grandmother mentioned that a kid had called several times for her. It was someone my friend was not at all interested in. She even commented something to the effect of “Why won’t he just leave me alone?” I guess her grandmother liked the guy because she defended him, saying he was a nice kid. My friend’s response was, “I don’t like him” to which her grandmother responded, “That’s the problem with you young folk, you’re always looking for someone to love, but what you need is someone who’ll love you.”

My friend and I simply laughed before my friend retorted, “Oh, grandma, you’re just old.” It would be more than a decade before I realized the profundity of her grandmother’s statement. We spend so much energy looking for the points of interest listed above. Perhaps there would be more success in relationships, if we took an interest in things like:

1. Nice
2. Loyal
3. Likes me
4. Caring
5. Respectful
6. Strong moral character
7. Honest
8. Funny
9. Positive energy (optimist)
10. Helpful

And so on... And this is not to say that there is no validity to the first list. The greatest list will be the one that flushes out a true person, and of course there are many aspects to each of us. I recommend that everyone work on his or her list. With a more concrete idea of what it is you are trying to attract, you will have a clearer understanding of how to do that. The list will also help to clarify what our priorities are. Once you have listed fifty points of interest, how would you rank them?

Completing your list will accomplish a window into the lives of potential significant others. When you know what to look for, you will be able to evaluate how good a person truly is to you. But beware. Completing your list also acts as a mirror into what kind of person you are. Do your points of interest demonstrate depth of character or do they simply outline superficiality?