ON THE ART OF DATING

THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
I must confess I didn’t understand the first time I heard it. One of my best friends had just moved to Manhattan from his native Germany. In no time he had learned his way around the city, venturing through all of the burrows, New Jersey, and on occasion up to the Hamptons. After a few months he phoned me to describe his first “American” date. I had to ask for clarity, “What do you mean American date?” He explained that Europeans don’t date like Americans when they are getting to know one another romantically. “What?” I was perplexed by this revelation.

I was no stranger to the idea of divergent practices in different cultures. My father, after all, was not born in the U.S.A. and we had lived overseas for several years. Certainly, in countries where arranged marriages are the norm, there is not the concept of dating, but everyone in western society I imagined went on dates like we do here in North America. Apparently, this was not the case, so I asked him to explain exactly what he meant. The conversation was of particular interest to me, especially since my most intimate relationships have all been with Europeans.

Here in the U.S., we learn dating etiquette that reads something like the following: A man arrives to pick up his date, walks her to the car, opens the door, pulls out her chair, pays for dinner, returns her to her domicile and if he’s lucky, he kisses her goodnight at the front door. This is, of course, on the first date. If all goes well there may be subsequent dates. With each additional one, the probability of emotional and physical intimacy rises, at least in theory.

To use the popular baseball metaphor, when a man gets lucky, he slides through the bases, which Wikipedia defines as follows:
• First base – mouth to mouth kissing, especially open mouth ("French") kissing involving the tongue.
• Second base – aggressive stimulation between the neck and waist, usually shirtless or under the shirt.
• Third base – manual or oral stimulation of the genitalia.
• Fourth base (Home run) – the act of penetrative intercourse.

GETTING TO KNOW YOU, GETTING TO KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU
So, I asked my friend to explain, “If you don’t "date" in Europe, how do you get to know one another?” In some ways, the answer was too simple for me to grasp. He said if you meet someone you’re interested in romantically, you simply invite that person out. It wouldn’t necessarily be considered a date, but more so an outing. If, by chance, you enjoyed spending time with that person, it would only stand to reason that you continue going out. There is no protocol about showing up and returning someone to their front door. There is no tally of how many outings have been made. There’s just a mutual understanding between two people who enjoy spending time together.

As I mentioned, I have always clicked better romantically with Europeans. In the beginning I didn’t know why. I suspected it might have been because I lived overseas during my adolescence. For me, the rules of “American dating” always felt rigid and constraining. I’m sure we have all discussed aspects of dating etiquette. A few popular topics typically include whether or not it’s okay to see someone every day when first beginning to date, as this could be construed as needy. Do both parties agree how to proceed with intimacy? Should second base be on the third date and sex on the tenth? The whole construct becomes a game of figuring out whether or not you and another person are on the same page.

TEARING DOWN THE WALLS
Another close friend of mine was dating long distance and considered a week long visit to be one date. I still remember debating this with him. If dinner and a movie are regarded as a single date, certainly a 7-day visit counts as more than one. The conversation made me realize something I had never paid that much attention to. Many of us use the concept of dating as a barrier rather than a bridge for getting to know one another. “I don’t need to tell him (or her) that I’ll be out of town that week, we’ve only been on a few dates.” “No, I didn’t invite her (or him) to the party, we haven’t gotten to that point yet.” When “dating” is used to hold people at bay, how can you ever get closer to one another?

I suspect this is the reason my friend wanted to declare a week long stay as one date. If the visit counted as seven, there would be a higher expectation of shared intimacy in his mind, something he likely wasn’t ready for. But this is the thing, at the end of the day, isn’t dating a simple construct of our minds? If there is a true dating protocol, it only exists between you and the person you are dating. In a different relationship, the protocol would likely have to change, as a new person would require a new and separate agreement about how things work. When we are truly ready to make ourselves emotionally available, only then will we begin to repeal the rules (and walls) we’ve constructed to keep ourselves safe.

ABOUT K. L. COLLINS
I am an author and a college professor of screenwriting for both television and film. To learn more about my newest sci-fi, fantasy, adventure novel, "The Unveiling: 1.0," please visit: TheUnveilingSeries.com.

Sugar Plums, Laughter and Tears

A few days ago, my friend Andrea emailed me and inquired if I would be okay this weekend. To be honest, I read the message a few times because I didn’t fully understand why I was being asked the question. And then it clicked in that this weekend is Mother’s Day. Ironically, just today my cousin Jean asked the same question. “Will I be okay?”

Losing my mom was without a doubt the most difficult adversity I’ve ever suffered. So of course the question was valid. But here’s the thing, the challenge of living in her absence has been present every day since her passing but through God’s and her grace I cope.

I remember in grade school when I was rude and defiant to my teachers, which was rare, but when it did occur I always feared the repercussions at home. At the time I didn’t fully comprehend why, but my mother always sided with me, even when I was in the wrong.

Rather inappropriately I once stormed out of a high school teacher’s class. The following day, he called me to the front of the room and asked why I left, to which I responded, “You were getting on my nerves.” Needless to say my answer didn’t go over well. Instead of teaching, he spent ten minutes constructing a letter to the principal demanding that a parent-teacher conference be arranged. I knew such a meeting wouldn’t bode well for me and was shocked when my mother reported back. She told me she’d apologized profusely explaining that I would never behave in such a way again. To my astonishment, she continued to tell me how teachers often power tripped due to a deep-seated need for control. Her speech about me hadn’t come from a true sense of culpability about my actions but rather she had endeavored to reestablish the peace between me and this teacher. A teacher herself, she knew what she was talking about. The plan worked seamlessly and I never had (or caused) trouble with that teacher again. In some ways that was my first glimpse into the deepest depths of her love for me. She always saw a light in me even when I was in the wrong.

In the immediate days after her passing, I felt a huge disconnect with everything around me. She had literally been the conduit through which I arrived in this world. And my first taste of nourishment had come at her hand. On my first day of pre-school she was there. The first clothes I wore she purchased. Later when I was choosing a boarding school and even when I chose my college, she visited the campuses with me. She bought plants for my first apartment and explained how to prepare my first Thanksgiving dinner away from home.

My entire life had been colored by her presence and then suddenly and unexpectedly, she was gone. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t consider the enormous loss I feel. On some days, the sense of anguish alleviates, but it is never gone. In that regard, the arrival of Mother’s Day will hardly deviate from the other 364 days of the year. I miss her today, as I will tomorrow and for all the remaining days of my life. But there is beauty in my sorrow. The depth of emotion I feel stems from the joy of having been blessed with a mother who could show me true examples of undying and unconditional love. To my mom and to all mothers I bid you a Happy Mother’s Day.

Here's What I Intend To Do About It!

Many people find it difficult to manage the end-of-the-year holidays. The days are shorter, which gives everyone the perception of being rushed or hurried. And in many places, cold, dreary weather is also something to contend with. Add to the mix shopping, gift giving, party planning, friends and relatives, and it’s oftentimes a recipe for stress. For most of us, the finish line is the first of January. It is only then that we can safely say we passed through it all.

January 1st, 2010 came and went. I woke up leisurely, meditated and then made breakfast. My normal New Year’s routine would have been to make a bunch of calls to family and friends, but this year I wasn’t feeling it. I received a few calls before breakfast. Afterwards, I finished watching “Brothers,” which I don’t recommend and then I watched a lot of commercials while flipping through channels on TV.

In the late afternoon, I finally decided to place a few calls. One of my friends answered sounding completely drained, if not depressed. I knew the easy answer for his tone of voice was a late night, crazy New Year’s Eve party, but I suspected this wasn’t the case. When I inquired, he explained many of life’s difficulties. Things from relatives with health issues to the challenges of growing old gracefully, or sometimes not so gracefully. I could hear both worry and concern in his voice and I sympathized, but I also grew impatient. After he had confided a series of predicaments and situations I simply asked, “What are you going to do about these things?”

The sad truth is there are rules to this life and many of them are beyond our control. Regardless of how hard we try, we will all grow old and illnesses will occur even to those with the healthiest of lifestyles. Tsunamis, earthquakes and tornadoes are things we read about every day. Yes, we can talk of how horrible these things are, but the proof of our spirits is in action. If tragedy and calamity visit our homes, to ponder and talk about them accomplishes nothing. The question we need ask ourselves is “what are we going to do about it?” I am happy to say my friend did have a action plan by the time we finished speaking and I can only hope knowing what to do helped ease his distress.

As we ease into 2010, I am left to ponder my own issues and what I intend to do about them. Whether it’s to build or resolve something, we are all constantly affronted with a myriad of decisions we must make. What we choose to do is always the answer. May each of your choices be fruitful now and throughout the year to come.

Peace and blessings for a prosperous 2010!

Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving…

Last week I attended a career exploration seminar. The workshop required us all to take a test, which asked a series of preference questions. Things like “When you attend a party, do you prefer to mingle around the room or to stay in a small group of close friends?”

The test is devised to profile your personality preferences. Those preferences are then used to predict what kinds of jobs you are best suited for. For example, if you are an extremely extroverted person, it is assumed you will prefer jobs around people vs. sitting at a computer alone. Some of the categories described in the profiles are as follows:

1 Extroverted (E) or Introverted (I)
2 Sensing (S) or Intuitive (N)
3 Thinking (T) or Feeling (F)
4 Judging (J) or Perceiving (P)

To clarify some of the above categories, “sensing” people see the world through their senses and can describe things in particular detail exactly as they observed them. “Intuitive” people see the world in the bigger picture describing things as they related to them emotionally. For example, a sensing person would describe a mugger in detail while an intuitive person might describe them as “scary.”

Judging people are regimented and structured while perceiving people are spontaneous and carefree.

The course leader asked us to guess the results of our assessment. I found that easy and assumed my results would be introverted, intuitive, thinking and judging or INTJ. To my shock, my results came back as ENFP!!! The results are also given in degrees. Mine said I was clearly an extrovert. What?! I was somewhat floored as I sat contemplating these results. Could I possibly be an extrovert? Yes, it’s true, I enjoy the company of friends and family, but alone time doesn’t bother me in the least. In fact, I need alone time in order to remain centered. After I left this class, I ran my results by a few people who know me. Each of them said I seem very comfortable in social situations and meeting new people. Does that make me an extrovert? Perhaps it does, but I’m still working it out.

While I find the premise of the preference test fascinating, I have to admit it is not as fine-tuned as it could be. The questions were all multiple choice and several of them didn’t provide answers that accurately described me. I was left to pick an answer that best approximated my feelings even if it wasn’t an accurate reflection of my actual preferences.

The most interesting result of the assessment was that it got us to consider the truth about ourselves. If I am truly an extrovert, getting comfortable in this role will be important for my growth as a person. One of the other participants tested as a “feeling” person whereas he thought he would fall into the “thinking” category. As it turned out, he associated “feeling” with wimpiness. Without knowing him well, and from what I observed, I would definitely categorize him as feeling. And this isn’t to say I thought he was wimpy, but the feeling role may be one he needs to get comfortable with. Reality is always a much better understanding of the world than delusion. In a peculiar way, the seminar was like a mini therapy session for everyone who didn’t test the way they had anticipated. And any time we can walk away from an experience knowing ourselves a little better than we did before… well, then that’s a good day!

I HAVE WRITTEN A BOOK! TO LEARN MORE OR TO READ AN EXCERPT
of my sci-fi/fantasy/adventure novel, “The Unveiling: 1.0,” please visit TheUnveilingSeries.com.